I just got back home from seeing John again. Every time we see each other, we have something new to talk about. We give ourselves time to think and last night he thought and today I cried.

He has learned quite a bit about himself over the past two years. He learned how to pay bills, how to make his money stretch. He learned a lot about his emotional state of mind also. Like how he just shuts people out when he has someone new and he has decided now not to shut people out anymore.

People; like Caroline, the girl he has been with for 2 years.

I just get so emotional when he brings her name up. I know it will happen and maybe happen often but she has 2 years with him that I will never get back and it hurts.

We have always had the NON-jealous relationship. We always knew it was US that mattered and when we ended abruptly 2 years ago it was over jealousy and closed minds and the most horrible time in my adult life.

I know that he will always have her in his mind. I know he will never forget the sex, the love, how beautiful and good she is. I can say that I don't want him to forget, but I DO! And I don't know why.

What is wrong with me??

He would never ask me to forget Chad & Leslie or anyone else I have been with. Why do I feel like he should just hit the delete button on that part of his life??

I just don't understand where the hurt is coming from....

Can you help??

~NEWS?~

YES, I have news!

After much consideration and soul searching on my part, I decided to start working things out with my husband.

Now if you have been reading me for awhile, you might remember that our separation was on very bad terms. I definitely stress my "opinions" on my blog and at the time of separation, I hurt badly.

After hours of talking to each other, I see the hurt I caused him and took my part of the whole mess and so did he. We cried a lot during the "talks" we have had and I see a lot of healing is being done with us right now.

John and I have built this relationship on conversing and we had lost that before. I am so glad to be able to talk and be heard again and actually hear him. Some of it hurts but is good at the same time.

He agreed to go see a marriage counselor and take it slow. We both need to get the trust in each other back. I totally killed the trust he had in me and that hurt him the most; greatly saddens my heart to see him hurt. I am not the easiest person to live with and at times I wonder in directions that are not suitable for relationships. {If you know me personally, you know that it is almost impossible for me to admit that I am ever wrong with anything I do}I know I have a lot of personal things that are "wrong" with me, my mom makes sure to tell me that as often as possible. Even seeing a counselor separate will be a benefit so we are considering separate visits also.

We are living apart for awhile and just "dating". It will be hard to know and appreciate each other again but I am sure we will have fun just the same. We never had problems in making the MOST out of a situation. We have been separated for 2 years, there is a lot to learn on both of our parts.

He came over the other night and the kids were so very happy. Britt and Zac even cried. It was very comfortable and natural to have him here, I just wanted to "cure" us in that one night. To have our family back together again will be wonderful!

Any thoughts? It is okay to be honest here.
Will it matter and make a difference? Maybe it will, maybe it won't but if you wanna put in your $.02 go ahead. The friends I have talked to have been open on their feelings about my situation so far and it has helped me look at things I might have forgotten.
Feedback is always a good thing.

Us- September 30, 2001

**I SURVIVED**

The BDay party for the twins was a BLAST and lasted from Sat. Afternoon until Monday evening.
YUP I can throw a party!
Zac and Sam raked it in on gifts from their friends, both bought and hand made! I thought the greatest ones where from the kids themselves, where the parents let them choose what to give or make them.
We had stuffed bellies all weekend long. I was PREPARED! Yay mom!!!

Anyway, now that it is over, everyone is bored again and I am WHOOPED.
Time to let the kiddos fight over this thing {PC} again. I am only allowed 5 minutes a week....~eye roll~ They get the rest of the time.

I should have some news in a day or so about my personal life.

Stay tooned.........

I am so sorry that I worried everyone. I have been here and I am okay, just a major quite spell.
Actually I think it may be depression but it is different somehow.

I had a visit from 2 of the most wonderful people I know today and every since they left, I made myself busy with the home and have been feeling a lot better!
THANK YOU BOTH and I am very sorry if I made you feel bad, Nan! I really soundn't talk to others when I feel shitty.

I have had a lot of emotions running me lately.
*My babies are turning 11 on Saturday.
*I am a magnet for dumb-shit, lazy ass losers.
*I decided to finally "let go & let goddess" with an ex-friend. It
took me a long while, but I am okay with that all now.
*My youngest daughter is now a woman. I wonder if I am already getting the "empty nest syndrome". Maybe I just need to quite thinking so much.
*Something is wrong with my EX....He keeps calling, depressed sounding and wants to meet up to "talk" but I haven't yet. I wish I knew what is wrong, but it is no longer MY problem and I can't fix him. If I could, I'd still be with him.
*My mom & dad paid $2061.00 to Ameren UE in 2 months cuz my landlord is most likely tapping my wires. I am trapped here cuz all my income goes to rent.
*Found out yesterday that my other EX was in a serious car crash {drunk driving} and lived to get drunk another day. He lives with his mom and supposingly now has a job. *eye roll*

I am sure there is MUCH more on my mind, that was just the tip of the iceberg.

Right now I am in the middle of rearranging to make room for the HUGE BIRTHDAY BASH this weekend. The kids can't wait!!
I will have SIX eleven y/o boys, SIX eleven y/o girls and TWO 13 y/o's.
Should be a WONDERFUL 2 days!! Wish I had a pool!

Which ones have you done? *mine are in bold*

smoked a cigarette
crashed a friend's car
stolen a car
been in love
been dumped
shoplifted
been fired
been in a fist fight
snuck out of your parent's house
had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
been arrested
gone on a blind date
lied to a friend
skipped school
seen someone die
had a crush on one of your internet friends
been to Canada
been to Mexico
been on a plane
purposely set a part of yourself on fire
eaten sushi
been skiing
met someone from the internet
been at a concert
taken painkillers
love someone or miss someone right now
laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
made a snow angel
had a tea party
flown a kite
built a sand castle
gone puddle jumping
played dress up
jumped into a pile of leaves
gone sledding
cheated while playing a game
been lonely
fallen asleep at work/school
used a fake ID
watched the sun set
felt an earthquake
slept beneath the stars
been tickled
been robbed
been misunderstood
petted a reindeer/goat/kangaroo
won a contest
run a red light/stop sign
been suspended from school
been in a car crash
had braces
felt like an outcast/third person
eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
had deja vu
danced in the moonlight
liked the way you looked
witnessed a crime
questioned your heart
been obsessed with post-it notes
squished barefoot through the mud
been lost
been on the opposite side of the country
swam in the ocean
felt like dying
cried yourself to sleep
played cops and robbers
recently colored with crayons
sung karaoke
paid for a meal with only coins
done something you told yourself you wouldn't
made prank phone calls
laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
caught a snowflake on your tongue
danced in the rain
written a letter to Santa Claus
been kissed under the mistletoe
watched the sun rise with someone you care about
blown bubbles
made a bonfire on the beach
crashed a party
gone rollerskating
had a wish come true
j umped off a bridge
ate dog/cat food
told a complete stranger you loved them
kissed a mirror
sang in the shower
had a dream that you married someone
glued your hand to something
kissed a fish
sat on a roof top
screamed at the top of your lungs
done a one-handed cartwheel
talked on the phone for more than 5 hours
stayed up all night
picked and ate an apple right off the tree
climbed a tree
had a tree house
scared to watch a scary movie alone
believe in ghosts
have more than 30 pairs of shoes
worn a really ugly outfit to school
gone streaking
gone doorbell ditching
played gay chicken
pushed into a pool/hot tub with all your clothes on
told you're hot by a complete stranger
broken a bone
been easily amused
caught a fish then ate it
caught a butterfly
laughed so hard you cried
cried so hard you laughed
cheated on a test
forgotten someone's name
french braided someone's hair
gone skinny dipping in a pool/hot tub
been threatened to be kicked out of your house or been kicked out of your house
loved someone so much you would gladly die for them

~Let Us Pray~

In lieu of the attacks made on London, I thought the following rite/prayer would be appropriate.

This can be done at any time by anyone.
If you are in position of a blue candle and Jasmine incense, light them both. This is nice but not a necessity.

Chant/say:
We strive toward spirit again and again,
With faltering steps, unsure of the way.
Open the gates of enlightenment.
Make for us a new day
Of karmic purpose and goal,
A path to a new Earth soul.

Sit quietly and visualize a blue cloud of healing and peace slowly but surely covering the entire Earth. If you have a specific area in mind, work on mentally permeating that area with the blue cloud. Send out vibrations of love, understanding, cooperation, and peace. Do not think of HOW this will come about, just that it WILL.
Follow that blue cloud of peace with a pink cloud of love and say:

Let there be peace among all lands.
Let there be harmony among all peoples.
Cosmic love enters every heart and mind.
By the power of the Supreme Creator within me,
It is so!

~The past few days~

Not sure where to start so I will just start with who is close to my heart.
My son broke out with the chicken pox, just out of nowhere. Now he and his sister were at a friends house {who now has the pox} but that was like 14 days ago. Soooo weird. What is even more mind boggeling is the twins both had the pox vaccine. I was totally against them getting it, but their dad pushed and won. I wish I would have been able to subject them to it when they where babies like I did Brittany but I couldn't so now at age 11 Zac is miserable! Sam has not broke out yet but the doc says to give her 10 days to be in the clear from it.

What really bothers me is the kids where at a friends house and only one person in that home had the pox. Which means the mom and grandma are in danger and I am scared for them. I had no freaking idea that Zac's friend had the pox at all until after he broke out and by then the kids, unknowingly, carried pox to this friends home.
I just pray and will pray for 10 days for this family.

Other news? Well, we had a great weekend. Saturday we went to my brothers for our family celebration and he had some awesome fireworks {as usual}. We had a wonderful dinner, wonderful conversations and a great light show.

Sunday and Monday the kids and I went on the roof of our building to watch the fireworks at the arch. We can see almost to the base of the arch from the roof so we were able to see the show completely.
Monday we could see Webster Groves fireworks, Tillman park {or some park over that way} had a great show, the neighbors all had bright fireworks and of course the arch!
A cool summers night, a great show and my babies with me, it was wonderful!

My home is clean now-finally- CLEAN! Every single room is spotless and we are all keeping it that way! It feels great to be able to walk through the kids rooms without stepping on something. See, I told ya that I was "Back" and I feel great!

Other news consist of men....2 men...one who will only be a weekly "benefit" and one who wants the "long-term" thing. I am still a bit confused to blog much about them, more to come later!

So now that I have left you hanging, I am off to do lunch dishes and laundry!
TTFN

~ I am back ~

I mean really back, like my old self again.
For the past 3 days I have felt wonderful! Seems the med-cocktail am on now is working, been on this cocktail since June 16. The docs have me on Lexapro, Prilosec, Antivert {only as needed for dizziness}, elivil & klonopin {for sleep}, Avinza {morphine} and percocet for break-through pain only. If you ask me, that is still too many pills to take but it works, so don't knock it, aye?! My strength is coming back slowly and my home is clean again and smells good. The kids say it smells good, I can't smell or taste anything. Docs say that Fibro can make it that way. So I can't smell or taste at all right now.

The week of the 26th was a great week, even though my body was weak. I was able to get out of here and spend time with a dear friend {Kel} and her family. They are such wonderful people and I am so comfotable with them. Kel cares for me so much and she understands what I am going through, somehow. I need to call her and see what they have planned for this weekend.
I also wanna say Thank You, Kel, for the tent!! My niece LOVES it and I got MANY hugs!!

I also spent time with another really great friend {S}. We alsways have the best chats while we are drinking coffee. The kids all play so well together, but they are growing up so fast! My oldest now has a crush on this friends cousin! LOL Ohhhh Puppy Love!! What a feeling!

So now it is the weekend of the 4th of July and I am waiting for my mom to call. I think we are celebrating as a family today cuz the guys have to work on Sunday and Monday.

So HAPPY 4TH to you ALL! Be safe and have fun!

If you see someone ontop of a building watching fireworks this weekend, it is probably me- so HONK!

I have a snickers cake to make- TTFN