Profound Passions of Persephone: June 2005

6.25.2005

*Update*

From last post {Upper GI}. They gave me some Versaid to calm my nerves. I love versaid cuz man do I get all upset about anesthesia.
The nurse then puts this circular plastic thingy in my mouth and as she is putting the band {to hold it in place} around my head, she says "Ok now you are gonna get sleepy" I said "OK" in my best loopy voice and that is all I remember.

When I woke up I wasn't too loopy, I felt pretty good actually cuz my headache was gone. They didn't find anything, just a little fluid. The doc gave me some pictures and some more medication{which I probibly won't take}. He gave me Prilosec {I have to buy that over the counter} and Reglan.

We were really surprized that there where no holes from all the pills I already take, then they gave me more- go figure.

So anyway, my morning is slow, as usual, just sitting here waiting for the head pain to go away. I figured I would jump on here & blog before Samantha gets ahold of it.
Since school has been out, I have fought hell to get PC time.
The kids found this web site called GAIA and they are totally addicted.

Ahhhh spoke to soon, she is upset cuz I told her she can have the 'puter first today.
TTFN

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6.23.2005

So I was surfin the web, looking for a picture to post of tonight's moon. If you haven't seen her, go outside right now and look! Spectacular!

So as I was surfing I ran across a the "Sky & Telescope" web site and picture of "Ultraviolet Sun"....Wouldn't it be cool if this is what the sun looked like to us??
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

So, anyway, I haven't blogged in some time. Not much to talk about except multiple doctors appointments and I am sure you all don't want to read about that.
I have one tomorrow, however, that is just terrifying me.
It is only an upper GI but they have to knock me out and that is what bothers me.
My last 3 brain surgeries, I developed post traumatic stress disorder and just the smell of anesthesia upsets me. I know there is nothing to worry about and you would think, as many surgeries as I have had, it would be no big deal but all I want to do right now is cry.

So I guess I will go try not to think about it but if you wanna say a prayer for me around 3pm tomorrow, please do.

I promise I will try to blog more.

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6.13.2005

What Pulp Fiction Character Are You?

You're a hardworking individual enshrouded by an overwhelming sense of mystery, beauty, and intrigue. Though always on the go, you keep focused, helping -- often rapturing -- those you meet.

Take the What Pulp Fiction Character Are You? quiz.


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I didn't write this but it is important that those who are close to me read it!!

The Letter To Normals
Hello Family, Friends, and Anyone Wishing to Know Me,

Allow me to begin by thanking you for taking the time out of your day to spend some time with me and get to know me better. A person’s time is their most valuable asset and yours is appreciated.

I want to talk to you about Fibromyalgia (FM) and Chronic Myofascial Pain Syndrome (MPS). Many have never heard of these conditions and for those who have, many are misinformed. And because of this judgments are made that may not be correct… So I ask you to keep an open mind as I try to explain who I am and how FM/MPS has assaulted not only my life but those whom I love as well.

You see, I suffer from a disease that you cannot see; a disease that there is no cure for and that keeps the medical community baffled at how to treat and battle this demon, who’s attacks are relentless. My pain works silently, stealing my joy and replacing it with tears. On the outside we look alike you and I; you wont see my scars as you would a person who, say, had suffered a car accident. You wont see my pain in the way you would a person undergoing chemo for cancer; however, my pain is just as real and just as debilitating. And in many ways my pain may be more destructive because people can’t see it and do not understand....

Please don’t get angry at my seemingly lack of interest in doing things; I punish myself enough I assure you. My tears are shed many times when no one is around. My embarrassment is covered by a joke or laughter, but inside I want to die....

Most of my "friends" are gone; even members of my own family have abandoned me. I have been accused of "playing games" for another’s sympathy. I have been called unreliable because I am forced to cancel plans I made at the last minute because the burning and pain in my legs or arms is so intense I cannot put my clothes on and I am left in my tears as I miss out on yet another activity I used to love and once participated in with enthusiasm.

I feel like a child at times... Just the other day I put the sour cream I bought at the store in the pantry, on the shelf, instead of in the refrigerator; by the time I noticed it, it had spoiled. When I talk to people, many times I lose my train of thought in mid sentence or forget the simplest word needed to explain or describe something. Please try to understand how it feels to have another go behind me in my home to make sure the stove is off after I cook an occasional meal. Please try to understand how it feels to “lose” the laundry, only to find it in the stove instead of the dryer. As I try to maintain my dignity the Demon assaults me at every turn. Please try to understand….

Sleep, when I do get some, is restless and I wake often because of the pain the sheets have on my legs or because I twitch uncontrollably. I walk through many of my days in a daze with the Fibro-fog laughing at me as I stumble and grasp for clarity.

And just because I can do a thing one day, that doesn’t mean I will be able to do the same thing the next day or next week. I may be able to take that walk after dinner on a warm July evening; the next day or even the in the next hour I may not be able to walk to the fridge to get a cold drink because my muscles have begun to cramp and lock up or spasm uncontrollably. And there are those who say “but you did that yesterday!” “What is your problem today?” The hurt I experience at those words scars me so deeply that I have let my family down again; and still they don’t understand….

On a brighter side I want you to know that I still have my sense of humor. If you take the time to spend with me you will see that. I love to tell that joke to make another’s face light up and smile at my wit. I love my kids and grandbabies and shine when they give me my hugs or ask me to fix their favorite toy. I am fun to be with if you will spend the time with me on my own playing field; is this too much to ask? I love you and want nothing more than to be a part of your life. And I have found that I can be a strong friend in many ways. Do you have a dream? I am your friend, your supporter and many times I will be the one to do the research for your latest project; many times I will be your biggest fan and the world will know how proud I am at your accomplishments and how honored I am to have you in my life.

So you see, you and I are not that much different. I too have hopes, dreams, goals… and this demon…. Do you have an unseen demon that assaults you and no one else can see? Have you had to fight a fight that crushes you and brings you to your knees? I will be by your side, win or lose, I promise you that; I will be there in ways that I can. I will give all I can as I can, I promise you that. But I have to do this thing my way. Please understand that I am in such a fight myself and I know that I have little hope of a cure or effective treatments, at least right now. Please understand….

Thank you for spending your time with me today. I hope we can work through this thing, you and I. Please understand that I am just like you… Please understand….

Copyright of www.fibrohugs.com Written by Ronald J. Waller

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6.12.2005

POCONO 500 &
~ In case you haven't checked my blog today, there are many post for you to read!

OK - I am just gonna be a huge cry baby today!!

What I seen of the race today, I really enjoyed. Both LaBonte brothers where racing and for the most part, kept themselves in the top 20.

The race ended when Bobby crashed on a green & checkered start. ~sob~
That really bites, however, I am happy to see Carl Edwards 99 win. He has the the longest come behind win at Pocono and will be giving his trophy to a young man he met!!

Next week, Bobby will win!!!! {{I can be hopeful, can't I??}}

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Here is teh Gray Lady. I did not cap this but thought I would share the awesome image! Posted by Hello

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Here, I am posting a great cap I got while ghost hunting last night. Nan, can you see him? Posted by Hello

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here he is, cropped & enhanced. Posted by Hello

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THE NOTEBOOK

It must be the weekend for movies. I watched my fave last night {it is on again tonight} and I just got done with one I have wanted to see for a long time.

I should be able to write about it now that my nose is no longer stuffy, however, my eyes and nose will be swollen for days!

The Notebook has got to be the most heart-wrenching movie since Titanic. Half way through this movie my tears began to roll and every couple of minutes, I just wept.
As I was sitting there, hugging my pillow, I thought I should just stop the movie, I couldn't handle any more of it. I was numb, unable to move, unable to stop the movie, victim to the intense love and intense heart ache of this movie.

You know you have a great movie when you are numb like that and at the end of the movie your shirt is wet from crying.
I HIGHLY recommend this movie for anyone, men & women, just grab your tissues before you push the play button!!

Oh to top it all off, when The Notebook was over and my "Movie On Demand" turned off, there was Pretty In Pink with a half hour left to go.
Can I just say, ~I LOVES ME SOME DUCKEE!!~

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6.11.2005

I started to write a post last night and found out that even though I feel a lot is going on here, there really isn't much to update about.

This last week has been full of emotions. Emotions that I feel unable to blog {publicly} about. I have thought about it all day and like I said before, this is MY blog and as long as there is no harm done to anyone, I can talk about it, right??

....I am tired of being sick! I won't to get out and party!! I want so much to be surrounded by my friends and just be able to cut loose.
I have joined a new yahoo group and already am speaking to the members there. Everyone is so very warm and welcoming, the type of peeps I need in my life.
Tonight was PNO, I wanted to go out and meet everyone but am stuck here at home.
*shrug*
There is always next month and I am happy that I at least got to speak to J on the phone tonight. I hope that he and I will get together before the next PNO. It is put in the goddess' hands so I do not push and mess things up there.

Tonight the movie SECRETARY is on the Oxygen Network and I am in heaven!!
I love this movie and it is playing back to back tonight. I swear I can feel every single emotion that Lee goes through in this movie!
I am recording it right now, so I can watch anytime I want!!
One day I will OWN this movie so I can watch it UNcut, UNmessed with cuz it is so much better that way!!

ummm yeah, good part of the movie....Mr Gray just gifted Lee with a piece of himself-on her back!! {if you know the movie then you know what part I am talking about} WHAT A FEELING!!
Ok- more later!

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I am not suppose to talk about the following........

The 9th was a date that will forever be stuck in my soul. It is the date that my {ex}Best friends baby past away. As far as the {ex} best friend is concerned, I should have no feelings on this and she would rather I stay out of her life all together. I hurt her by some words that were said. Anyway, I do feel quite a bit of emotions concerning this date, I will never forget, I will grieve and I think what bothers me so much this year is, I can't send her my love and support. I still love her, her son and hub. I miss them all and I hurt.
enough said

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6.08.2005

** I am SOOO totally addicted **

What have I been doing since all I can do is sit??
Well, I have found GHOST CAMS! Last night at around 11 I was looking for something fun to do on the internet and stumbled across {my fave} site so far. It is called Asylum, it is a home in Sedalia, MO that is just an open door for little spookies. They have 4 cams with activity that I have never seen! Simply amazing, if you wanna go see- DO!!


Here are the cams that I have been watching since last night:
http://asylumcam.com/ NUMBER 1
http://www.researchwebcam.com/ AN abandoned hospital
http://www.libraryghost.com Willard Library
http://www.jasonsghost.com/camviewer.asp He has had a very active back porch today!

ENJOY!

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6.06.2005

**I'm Here**

If anyone has been reading the blogs of my children, you know I have still been a little under the weather. Okay, more than a little. I have been tested for every illness known and NOT known to humanity and still no answers.

Today has been better though, I feel much stronger. I hate that this is happening and it is summertime. I am missing so much fun with the children, we had plans to go to the Pagan Picnic this last weekend and I couldn't. This is just not fair to my babies. I need to know how to make it all okay for them. Anybody have any answers or suggestions I can try out?

How do I make this horror and pain they have endured- better?
I used to be able to turn all their fears and worries into clowns and roses but now I am without answers.

I am gonna go get sleep, tomorrow is a new and BETTER day!

In my prayers tonight I am giving THANKX to my best of friends who are here for me everyday! Kel, & Nan I just don't know what I would do without you lately!! The gratitude brings tears to my eyes. I can't say thank you enough.
Of course there are many more strong women that I will say a prayer for tonight, it is just so hard to name you all here. Just know that I love you and I THANK YOU ALL for your support and prayers.

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