Profound Passions of Persephone: March 2004

3.31.2004

"The party is on ! It's just been moved from Trish's house - to
Trish's pants. YES, we will still be doing jello shots in there, it
will be crowded but fun."


{giggle} From an email I got this morning through our group o' goils!
I haven't blogged since Friday cuz I have been trying to keep us all together, somehow, and I REALLY hope it is working!
See, when you get a group of women together, there is DRAMA and this week, actually, this MONTH has been FULL of major DRAMA for our group. I LOVE my girls! They are ALL FUN, OUTGOING, DIFFERANT, INTERSESTING, BEAUTIFUL WOMEN and I am not sure what I would do without them. Let's all work on sending some good thoughts the way of the group so we each can find the strength we need to move past our shit and move on.
We are gonna have sooooo much fun this weekend!!! CUZ WE NEED IT!

|

3.26.2004

ohhhhh yet another day down the lime covered and grease caked drains of my life!
Spend the day diddering around the house, packed another box, didn't get anything important done except the care of my babies. I had four other children here today so that kept my spirits up a bit.
I spent the night studying my ARABIC. I put it away for too long, it is such a beautiful language to me-very challenging-like my life isn't challenging enough-huh? It keeps me busy!

Tomorrow is Friday- AGAIN- ALREADY....geeezzzzz I think I am the only one I have ever heard complain of that but I have gotten SQUAT done this week. I am going out tomorrow night and I am going to have FUN with the girls!
Then next week I am starting on new foot- bright and early things will be done!

OH YEAH- best part of today.....I weighed myself. I have lost 20 pounds since 3/15. Now keep in mind that at least half of that is WATER WEIGHT. Proof that eating to survive, not for pleasure, really does work!

Ana ta3banah te9ba7i 3ala 5air a7lam sa3eedah

|

3.24.2004

Listening to- ALL DAY- Tracy Chapman - New Beginning
Mostly- Give Me One Reason {coulda guessed-huh?}

Give me one reason to stay here, and I’ll turn right back around.
I don’t want to leave you lonely; you gotta make me change my mind.
Baby I got your number oh and I know that you got mine.
You know that I called you; I called too many times.
You can call me baby; you can call me anytime.

I don’t want no one to squeeze me, they might take away my life.
I just want someone to hold me and rock me through the night.
This youthful heart can love you and give you what you need
But I’m too old to go chasing you around wasting my precious energy.
Baby, just give me one reason I should stay- I told you that I loved you and there ain’t no more to say.



|

I am finding that it is very painful at times to do what is best for me. It is heart- wrenching to not answer the phone when it rings, knowing who is calling. It is painstaking to move about the house, demanding myself to do my daily chores when all I want to do is stay in bed all day.
I know this too will pass- the heartbreak- I have been here before- too many times before and it will pass but that knowledge doesn't make it any easier.
I am very -VERY greatful that I have friends. I have people in my life right now that DO love me and they CARE about me and OH MY GODDESS it is so very overwelming! This morning I called Chasmyn and cryed on her, she kept me on the phone until I felt TONS better! I went through my email and my friend who is a song writer/singer wrote a song for me/about me! I cried like a baby! A has been calling whenever she has a chance - just to check on me, S comes to visit and have coffee even though her knees are killing her........Nan has been calling and catching me on line to check on me and so has Tracy and even Les.....all of the girls in my group......ohhhh man- here I go again........like a BOOB........I need a new box of tissues!
I LOVE YOU ALL!

|

3.23.2004

Well, just a quick update before I go back to my ever-chaotic life.
I haven't been witting down my food but I have been eating very well staying on the plan-the pilates, however, are a different story. I have done them just not daily like planned. I think I need to be a little more gentle with myself when it comes to setting goals.
I have been getting up everyday, showering and dressing nice-even applying make-up! Yeah-check ME out! It just makes me feel good-ya know. Helps me get through my days.
I need to visit someone with a scale so I can see if I lost any weight yet. I think I have but then I look and really very much critique my body. {whooo-being a woman really sucks sometimes}
As far as the job search- most likely I will go for a part-time position so I can keep my SSD.
As far as finding a place to call “home” for now……I have to wait till I land that part-time position.
As far as MadMan- UGGGGGGGGGGGGG
As far as the children……they are on spring break this week and right now they are having a BLAST. We are packing things we don’t use and going through toys. They are finding a lot of lost treasures! They also have a mom that lets them stay awake with friends and watch movies till the wee hours of the night and they love to do the TIME WARP with me! That is a GREAT way to loose weight! Two days in a roll of doin’ the Time Warp and I still ain’t tired of it! LET’S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

|

3.22.2004

Talked to MadMan tonight. He doesn’t sound good at all, I can tell that he has majorly upped his dose of Ephedrine he is taking by the way he was taking in breathes of air and tone of voice. He still doesn’t “get” how I know these things, but when you are with someone for 7 years, you know, you JUST know.
He has called quite a bit since he has been gone and I haven’t felt like I could talk to him. I just haven’t been comfortable enough to hear him. When he called tonight, I knew he had to be heard, so I stayed on the phone. I have no idea why I put myself through it, why after what he put me through do I even care anymore? He still and most likely will never see what he has done to me. I don’t think it is because he doesn’t “care” because I know he does, I think it is because he is sick. He needs help and I cannot do that for him.
He had many questions tonight- mostly about Chad. Like, where is Chad? Where does he live now? Why don’t you have him move in with you? Then he moved on to my other friends like “S”…..what does “S” think of me? Is she in the middle of the Chad drama with you? {what the hell is that anyway??}
Of course there was more…..those of you who know MadMan know there was more……
I told him the “short” answers to his questions, I have never lied to him and I do not plan on starting now, even though he keeps trying to catch me in a lie.
I suppose it is like a cheater…when one spouse cheats they always blame the other spouse to take the focus off themselves?? I know HE is a liar, I have caught him many, many times….so he keeps trying to catch me in a lie to take to the focus off of him…..well, keep trying, I don’t lie! Life is too short to lie to anyone.
So then, after not being about to catch me in a lie, he proceeds to tell me that he has a GIRLFRIEND and it is NOT Rachel! WHAT? NOT Rachel?? Poor girl, and she wanted him soooo bad!
So MadMan can’t get to me anymore, I won’t allow it and it pisses him off to no end.
I don’t think it funny, really, I think that he really needs to wake up and see what the hell he is doing to himself, his life! I really wish I had a recorder on that phone, I think I will have one for the next call, just so I can play it back for him when/IF he gets well.

|

Gotta love them Mormon's

My Mormon name is Patricialene Mormon Miracles!
What's yours?


|

3.20.2004

OSTARA BEGINS TODAY {SPRING EQUINOX} woot!
MAY YOU ALL HAVE A VERY BLESSED SPRING!

Here is a GREAT Spring Recipe

OSTARA FRITTATA
1/2 cup Chopped Green onion
1 cup sliced Mushrooms
3 tbs Olive Oil
2 tbs soft Butter
1/2 lb Ham, cubed
3 cups cooked and diced Potatoes
1 cup grated Cheddar Cheese
8 EGGS, beaten
salt and pepper to taste

Saute onion and mushrooms in olive oil until tender. Place in a 10x10 glass baking dish greased with butter. Add ham, potatoes, and grated cheese. Pour beaten eggs over and mix well. Place uncovered in a 350* oven for 25 to 30 minutes until eggs have set. Serve with toast and fresh fruit.
~~ShadowCat

|

3.19.2004

LIL' IMP UPDATE

~~ Driving in the car last night, my 12 y/o in front with me is just looking like she shit her pants. Just has this strangest, irritated look on her face and all the sudden she says "My dang foot ITCHES" and she fights like mad to get her shoe off to scratch it. Okay, so I know what the look was about-I guess she was trying to "will" it away?! Then from the back seat, my 9 y/o daughter says, "yeah, well, ya know, there must be something seriously wrong with me cuz my foot always starts to itch when I have to take a test in school and that is why I get wrong answers sometimes! It only happens when I take test, so you can't be mad mom." hummmmm, I think, she musta had a test that day that she didn't study for!!!

~~My 9 y/o daughter broke up with her boyfriend yesterday cuz "He was giving me love notes and gifts but all he wanted from me was a game boy!!" SMART GIRL!

~~ My Brittany has GREAT taste in the guys she has crushes on! She likes the tall, dark, handsome and QUITE types! Right now she has a MAJOR crush on ARMAN…….ARMAN ARMAN ARMAN………….ARMAN………all they freakin talk about around here is ARMAN!!!!!!!

~~ My 9 y/o son is ready to move to Wisconsin WITHOUT me.......every five minutes he has a question about the FERRY, the ISLAND, what HOUSE we are gonna buy, WHO are we going to live with and what SCHOOL is he going to go to! I am so VERY happy that they are as excited as I am about the BIG move-they just have no concept of just how BIG a move it really is!

~~ Zac looks like he was in a fight and someone beat his face in. All week long he has been opening doors with his HEAD. What a goof. Monday-Wednesday he would hit his head, look at me and then collapse to the floor, like he is dieing. I would just look at him, I am sooooooo used to his drama. By Thursday, when he did it again, I had to pick him up off the floor and just hold him. Poor guy, what would make a boy open a door with his head?

~~ REPORT CARDS ARE COMING! REPORT CARDS ARE COMING! This is always a VERY stressful time in our household.
My children are very intelligent and all make very good grades. Brittany has been Honor Roll for years now and simply can NOT stand to get even a "b" grade......goddess forbid a "C" as she will punish herself for that.
Samantha has a BIG HEAD this year as she is doing so much better with this teacher than Brittany did in the forth grade!
If Samantha gets a low grade it is someone else's fault OR because her FOOT ITCHED!
Zac- He just freakin' surprises me all the time! He will bring home "A"'s all the time from school- does excellent work there, but at home he does messy work and doesn't want to spend any time on it. I have to practically tie him down to get work done right and neatly. So it is quite the surprise when I see "A"'s on his report card!

I will have to post the grades when I get them- around the 6th of April!

|

Looky at what I started today! PILATESI am sooooo proud of myself! I will be even prouder when I see that I can keep it up everyday!
One movement I need MAJOR work on is THIS one. GEEEEEZZZZZ It looks so simple! You are supose to do a hundred of them- I did a whole 20! Whoot! I did the right number on all the others though and I feel pretty damn good right now!

|

I just noticed that I didn't put my menu on yesterday. My food was good-had the same as the day b4. {boring-I know, but it works} Today......Breakfast- 2 soft boiled eggs Lunch- 2 hard boiled eggs 1 c salad Dinner 4 oz {meat} 1 c mix vegg 2 c salad


Sooooo Yesterday, I ran my ass off. It was good for me. The night before I had terrible nightmares all night and I woke in pain-felt like fried shit, so getting out of the house and doing things for someone else was really what I NEEDED. I hate to sit in pain. This morning is a little better, not much though. I have no idea what to do first today. I have apartments to find and look at and I need to contact the places I sent my resume to- I really don't want to do anything though.
I didn't get any Alder yesterday, so I think I will go do that and get my nails fixed. My mind is such a jumbled mess, not even sure what end is up, I really just have to take it minute by minute right now.

|

3.18.2004

Celtic Tree Month of ALDER begins today.

The Alder Tree is highly water-resistant, and as such was used by the ancient Europeans to build edifices near or under water. It's power in magic is its resiliency. It teaches us to bend but never break, to go with the flow and accept positive change.

If you find yourself in a rut, or if you are having trouble accepting that which you cannot change or control, alder can give you the courage to move forward.

Find, make, or buy yourself a simple alder limb and consecrate it as your wand of changes. When you find yourself resisting that which cannot be changed, take your wand and tap it on each of your chakra centers while saying:

Alder stronger than waters flow,
Help me learn that I must grow;
Not all things can be my way,
Let me learn this lesson today.

~~Edain McCoy

Hummmm......I wonder if Pathways has Alder? I think I will go see if they do while I am out and about today.

|

3.17.2004

MENU
Breakfast-2 soft boiled eggs 1 c grapes
Lunch - Grill Chick Salad
Dinner - 4 oz pork 1 c mix veg 2 c salad


|

I'm at it again with those QUIZZES.....I HAD to put this one here! I gave this Quiz a HIGH rating- VERY-VERY GOOD-GO TAKE IT! Yes..... even though Fairy is spelt wrong but he got it right even down to me being BAREFOOT!

FAE
You are blessed with FAERY wings. Beauty,
laughter, life, magic...that's what you are all
about. You are refreshingly innocent and happy
with your life of purity and play. Life's a
game and it's a good one. In your eyes there's
no way to lose! You can be very mischeivous and
have been known to cause trouble, but it's all
in the name of fun and not meant to really harm
anyone. You like to play tricks on people who
aren't quite as bright or clever as you - which
is almost everyone. Nature is the setting you
prefer to be in - Always. Barefoot and wild you
can't be tamed. You're probably a restless
spirit who loves to travel, and quite a
dreamer. Your creativity is astounding and your
art (of whatever media - from writing to
painting to drama) is like something from
another world - ethereal and often very
fantasy-oriented. You can either be a social
butterfly or a loner with their head in the
clouds - but rarely inbetween. You stubbornly
refuse to accept responsibility or to give in
to the wishes of others - unless you feel like
it. You have a strong passion for music and
can't imagine life without it. You'll grow up
someday, but you'll always be a child at heart.
You are adventurous and love to take risks, and
feel a deep connection with the weather,
plants, and animals. You prefer sunshine to
thunder or snow, the warmth of summer to
autumn's chill, and quiet forests to suburban
backyards. Magic through and through, you are
far more powerful than you seem, and are
capable of being extremely passionate. Though
you can be childish, naive, stubborn, and
self-absorbed, one thing is certain - life with
you will never be boring!


*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla

|

3.16.2004

It has been a long, hard day. If it wasn't for the phone today, I am just not sure I would have made it through.
What made it so hard was my damn pain {physical} I have had a headache since yesterday, it is the Chiari that is acting up. I am falling, dizzy and spacey on top of the headaches BUT I keep telling myself it must be the weather front. {wishful thinking} None of my medication is working. It is just so damn frustrating. On top of my money situation, trying to find a new home and restarting my life I have to deal with this and it just SUCKS!
I have done good, though, taking care of myself. I am eating right and drinking plenty of water and taking my meds. I am taking baby steps to get my life back on track. I suppose that is all I can do- that and pray the winds blow me in the right direction.

|

I DON'T WANNA WAKE UP! It feels sooooo good to stay in bed!! It is a beautiful, raining, sleepy day.

Changing my eating plan is making me tired. I noticed it yesterday. NO MORE SUGAR or CARBS
I will get used to it- OR I will sleep all the time!! lol Right now- I choose SLEEP.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

|

What's on the menu today?
Breakfast-2 eggs 1c straw/bannana mix
Lunch- 1c salad 4 oz grl chick
Dinner- 4 oz beef 2 c salad 1 c broc

|

3.15.2004

Why am I like I am??
Why am I like I am, ESPECIALLY when I am in pain-emotional pain?

For instance, when people come into my life, I have a tendency to get very close to some of them. This is a GREAT feeling and we are on our way to building a very strong relationship. Then something happens, usually I am promised something, growth happens to only one person and/or I become very impatient.
THAT’S IT…..I am impatient……. How do I change that?
The ONLY way that I know how to deal with my impatience is to push people away or just leave them for good. I mean, if I am not getting what I want or need out of the relationship and ESPECIALLY if it is causing me pain then I should leave- right?
BUT WHY am I like this? I KNOW I do not want to loose the people in my life, but I can’t stand knowing the ones I LOVE do NOT love back the same amount, do not make the same sacrifices and do not fight to be with me.

So- I am taking a POLL…….. Should I be selfish, take care of me, so I am not sitting here like NOW with a crater on my friggen’ chest OR
Should I suffer for those I LOVE??

|

What is she eating today?

Breakfast
2 eggs- scrambled
1 cup strawberries

Lunch
4 oz hamburger patty
1 c baby lima beans
1 cup salad

Dinner
4 oz pork
1 cup baby limas { their open anyway}
2 c salad w/ 1 tbsp dressing

LOTS of H2O
Why, you ask, am I blogging THIS? cuz I can! That's why!

|

Good Freakin' Monday Morning!
Today is the first day of the rest of my life! {If I had a dime for every time I said THAT! geez}
I woke up on time today {whoot!! GO ME!} I woke up to a CLEAN house! OHHH feel the JOY! and today I will go do somethin' for ME! I tried to do that "somethin'" last night by myself, but I am a big puss and I need help! That "somethin'" is re-piercing my nips AGAIN....THIRD time. I miss my rings. I really do, they make a VERY nice decoration and look very attractive also! The ONLY way I will EVER take them out again is if "someone" doesn't like them and that would be after MUCH thought and begging and pleading!
I am also going to get me a BIGGER coffee pot. Mine broke so I have been using my 4 cup pot and since 5 am I have made 4 pots of coffee-it is now 630am.

|

3.14.2004

Good 'ol procrastinator that I am; instead of cleaning I thought I'd do this; {Unconscious Mutterings}


  1. Old Navy:: CLOTHES
  2. Out:: IN
  3. Indecent:: PROPOSAL
  4. UPN:: NETWORK
  5. Pupil:: TEACHER
  6. Toothpaste:: TARTAR
  7. 1999:: PRINCE
  8. Passion:: CHAD
  9. Social security:: BROKE
  10. Cliff:: HANGER



|

There is a line from the movie "Catch Me If You Can" that really applies to me these days.....

" Two mice fell into a bucket full of cream. The first mouse gave up almost immediately and drowned. The second mouse fought so hard, she churned that cream into butter and climbed out. I AM THAT SECOND MOUSE!"


|

I am So VERY sorry for my extended absence. I promise to never let THAT happen again. Not only was I gone from here, I was gone from my ladies group too.
It has been a VERY hard month, my life has been ripped apart at the seams and I am struggling to hold in the guts.
To make an extremely long story short-
#1…I am getting a divorce. MadMan moved out, he did something I think I will never forgive him for and even though I still love him, I want to destroy him, completely!
#2….My GF and I split and it was NOT pretty. I got very angry and a side of me came out that has been hidden for several years. That very hateful, angry, spiteful side that even I cannot stand. Most likely I will never speak to her again. You can get more of the story by reading her blog I am sure. I wrote an email to our woman’s group and I was going to post it here, but I have since calmed down. It was THAT ugly!
So now, I am working on finding a place to live in this school district that I can afford on SSD and the little child support I MIGHT get if my other ex’s drunk ass remembers to mail it. When the shit hits the fan in my life- it hits it FULL FORCE.
There are many good things that will come out of this though. I will be a MUCH stronger person, My kids are very well protected and they know it, in return they will become very strong also. If they ever run into trouble they will know how to deal, or at least who to turn to. They are the reason I fight, they are the reason for my smiles everyday, they are my strength a lot of the time.
I will be able to act on my life plans now, I plan on moving to Washington Island, I plan on going back to school for criminal justice, I plan on making money by using my sewing talents in the mien time. All of this was put on the back burner for so long, now I am forced to move with it!
So that is a short run down, I will blog more later TODAY. I must go clean while my kiddos are at their party, so they can come home and mess it up again!

|